NEW DEAL

Well I have passed from dealing to coping. The woman I want to be my partner through the coming years has been so beaten down by the world around her that I cannot reach her. I do not know what to do. She has told me she needs "space". In my experience that comes just before they tell you to go away and never come back. I have seen sadness and despair take too many people from me, to lose her would be worse than all of them combined. Still I need to move foreword and hope that she comes back. I don't want anyone else.

On top of this is got a phone call just a few minutes ago from my first girlfriend, she is in the hospital dieing of psoriasis of the liver and is not expected to last until her birthday in November. EVERYTHING that is wrong with her she did to herself, all of it was preventable, all of it was because of Sadness and despair. The funny thing is that she is the one who once told me that the world is controlled by two emotions, fear and love. I guess the fear was too much for her in the end.

So here I stand it seems, outside the scope of the romantic portion of my life to date, the first woman I thought I loved is passing from the Earth and the first woman I REALLY loved is passing from my life, for a time maybe but perhaps for good.

Helluva situation.