You can't hurry Love...or anything else

Those of you haven't any sort of addiction won't understand a damn thing I say. FEEL LUCKY.

I have an addictive personality. I find something I like and I want more of it, all I can get, MORE than I can get! I WANT YOURS! GIVE IT TO ME!!

((Sorry, lost control there for a second))

SInce I stopped drinking I can safely say that a day doesn't go by that I don't think "Man I could use a drink", or "I have been a good boy, I deserve a reward" or some such other nonsense. During the past few month especially, as one project I was working on took over my life and killed off several others I was counting on for funding for the rest of the year, I was especially vulnerable. After 15 hours of grinding through other people's mistakes, or after a 4 hour conferance call, or after talking to a translator on the phone from Belloruske who sounded like Robin williams in MOSCOW ON THE HUDSON I could have ALMOST justified it.

The problem isn't the first drink, it is all the ones that come after it. See they often say that an addiction is like a "Monkey on your back". That is usuall said by people who have never had one. Addiction is more like your best friend, or better. The guy or gal who pats you on the shoulder and says "there there, poor lad" and uncorks a bottle of those old jax spirits. Addiction is the Devil, played by Bruce Campbell in a velvet smoking jacket, who tells you everything is gonna be cool if you just drink THIS.

The trouble is that having an addictive personality you can apply it to ANYTHING, even people. ESPECIALLY people you love. Addiction looks for that "state changer" that is going to make you feel better about yourself and your situation. You go from being a loving partner to an all enveloping jellyfish of devotion, a cloying blanket so wet that you cut off the air to the one person you shouldn't. Suddenly you are the abominable snowman in the old Warner Brother's cartoons who gets his hands on a puppy and LOVES it to DEATH. If you are unlucky the object of your devotion will run from you like they are on fire. If the gods smile on you though they will just push you aside for a time so you can work things out.

The nice thing about kicking one addiction is that it gives you tools to deal with other addictions. It also gives you a new level of strength to deal with things that make you unhappy, even though it is difficult. It may not be fun while you are doing it and maybe you gibber and drool a bit while you are doing it but you deal.

I am dealing right now.