I Take a lot of showers...
...these days, like I am trying to wash away something. I don't know if it is the bad karma, that had both been heap on me and that I have created. I don't know if it is to try and quiet old wounds that have opened up as the cool waters that once soothed them is removed.
So much is changing, the contents of my life are being swept off me like a lobster shedding its skin. In my case though the process isn't natural and benign, it is violent and cruel, the skin doesn't fall away easily but is ripped away with unforgiving hands. There isn't just one layer either but stratifications like the layers of an onion. Each layers is bonded to the next with flesh that bleeds as the layer above is ripped away., Layer after layer of nerve ending are torn and burn me with wave after wave of fire until I have to go inside my head to curl into a fetal ball and rock gently, hoping the pain and blood will subside.
Years ago my career was swept away and I was left standing, naked to the world and not knowing how to live. After that I found solace in a kindred soul and together we found the strength to begin to change our lives, but time and distance have taken that from me. I waited so long to find love and then I pushed it away. The gifts of my father were taken from me as I fell from grace and into the depths of a darkened pit.
I am trying to find my way out of that pit, I think I have found the path that leads up to the light. I have lost so much though, and in the next few weeks I will lose even more as I follow that trail. I have had the one partner I fear I will ever have slip from me, I don't even know why. I have sat on a couch and held my 14 year old son in my arms while his shoulders were wracked with sobs and his tears burned my cheek. I fear the pain to come, I fear more the numbness that threatenes to wrap itself around me.
I am strong now, I know the way up, I have a torch and provisions. I know what I have to do, but in my heart I am crying myself because I do not want to leave behind what I have left.
So much is changing, the contents of my life are being swept off me like a lobster shedding its skin. In my case though the process isn't natural and benign, it is violent and cruel, the skin doesn't fall away easily but is ripped away with unforgiving hands. There isn't just one layer either but stratifications like the layers of an onion. Each layers is bonded to the next with flesh that bleeds as the layer above is ripped away., Layer after layer of nerve ending are torn and burn me with wave after wave of fire until I have to go inside my head to curl into a fetal ball and rock gently, hoping the pain and blood will subside.
Years ago my career was swept away and I was left standing, naked to the world and not knowing how to live. After that I found solace in a kindred soul and together we found the strength to begin to change our lives, but time and distance have taken that from me. I waited so long to find love and then I pushed it away. The gifts of my father were taken from me as I fell from grace and into the depths of a darkened pit.
I am trying to find my way out of that pit, I think I have found the path that leads up to the light. I have lost so much though, and in the next few weeks I will lose even more as I follow that trail. I have had the one partner I fear I will ever have slip from me, I don't even know why. I have sat on a couch and held my 14 year old son in my arms while his shoulders were wracked with sobs and his tears burned my cheek. I fear the pain to come, I fear more the numbness that threatenes to wrap itself around me.
I am strong now, I know the way up, I have a torch and provisions. I know what I have to do, but in my heart I am crying myself because I do not want to leave behind what I have left.
posted by Martin "Bucky" Cameron at
10:53 PM
0 Comments
